Beer-league hockey squads can be downright tricky to put together.
As with any successful organization, you need the right mix,
and that means drafting from the following beer-league player categories:
> The Ringer
Some teams wait until the playoffs to unveil this option. Others go with
it right from the opening face-off. Either way, without a ringer, your
team is done. The challenge for managers is convincing a good player to
suit up for a bad side. This can be accomplished a number of ways,
including promises of goal-scoring glory and awe-inspired teammates. Most
effective, however, is let him play for free. It's simple math, really.
Everyone else pays an extra $50 and everyone else gets a shot at the "DD"
Division title.
> The Young Guy
At first glance, he can easily be mistaken for a ringer, since the young
guy still wears the shorts and socks of his junior or college team. But
it's time for the next phase of life now, and that means an office job.
The young guy stays in shape for the first half of the year. Sadly, an
increasingly sedentary existence and late night partying catches up to him
by Christmas. 15 to 20 pounds later, he's just another player, huffing and
puffing with the rest. Welcome aboard, kid.
> The Old Guy
Forget the 50-and-over league; that's not for him...even though his gloves
reach up to his armpits, and he still uses a wood stick. To be fair, the
old guy can be an effective player, especially if he's a wily old guy -- a
hook here and a chop there, because that's how they did it when
professional athletes were real men. " Eddie Shore -- now there was a
hockey player! Lost an ear against the Maroons. Sewed it back on himself.
Never missed a shift."
> The Tardy Goalie
Hey, thanks for showing up. Only five minutes gone in the first. Not like
you play a crucial position or anything. Take your time!
> The Beginner
Required only for cheap laughs. On the one hand, you have to admire the
beginner. It takes a lot of courage to buy all brand new equipment, and
take up hockey in your 40's. On the other hand, learn to take a pass, man.
It's right on your stick. How does that knock you over?
And now you're offside! Not to mention the Beginner shows up at
every game, no matter what time or what day. Sunday night playoff game at
11PM - no worries, Mr Beginner will be there.
> The Complete Psycho
Also good for a few giggles . . . from afar. Most likely a cop or fireman.
The complete psycho is capable of anything: running the goalie,
challenging an entire bench, a tomahawk chop -- all in the repertoire. Do
not feed the complete psycho. He doesn't want to be fed. He wants to hunt.
And, look to him to carry on his act in the bar after the game.
> The Naked Guy
Bane of the dressing room. Most players have the courtesy to stretch their
hamstrings while sporting, at the very least, a bit of underwear. Not the
naked guy. He'll carry on full conversations, and you had better maintain
eye contact like your life depended on it....or come face to face with the
swinging sausage.
> The Guy with the New Girlfriend
An excellent way to lower everyone else's fees is to load up on a few of
these. The guy with the new girlfriend will show up to three games, tops,
so his payment will contribute to everyone else's and it's not like you'll
lose ice time by putting him on the roster. That said, beware that the guy
with the new girlfriend might very well turn into the guy with the new
wife...at which point he'll never miss another game.
